My mom received some incredibly sage advice from her best friend when I was a very little girl. It drastically changed her approach to handling a complicated parenting issue and in turn, it changed my entire life experience. While the context of the words is very different than my co-parenting experience, the wisdom of those words rings as true and beautiful and awakening for me as it did for my mom. Allow me to explain. . .
When I was a kid, I was not dealt a good hand in the game of health. As my parents began their search for a cure for my issues, my mom and dad (two of the most amazing individuals on the planet) fretted much about how their little girl would survive the social side effects of living with difficult problems. They worried about me, a young child, having to explain personal issues to people such as teachers, parents of friends, etc. They were nervous that I might be picked on or made fun of. They struggled with the fact that my life experience would be so different from theirs. All of this stress came to a halt when my mom had one of many conversations with her dear friend, Sally (another fabulous woman in my world - I'm so lucky like that!) . Sally simply stated to my mom that, "Katie doesn't know she's any different than anyone else. Her life is all she knows." It was lovely advice.
Most of the worry my folks harbored had to do with comparing life as they knew it to the life I was/would be living. When they realized that I just didn't know anything other than the life I was living, life became much smoother for everyone.
How does this relate to the single/co-parenting experience?
When my daughter's dad and I split up, we both really struggled with the fact that she would be growing up with an experience far different from our own. Both of our parents had been married forever and we both lived the lives comparable to The Cosby Show or Family Ties (am I aging myself with these examples?). Neither of us knew what it was like to have two houses. We were really broken up about breaking up our little girl's life. We knew that living together we were not providing our daughter with a good example of a healthy relationship, yet we ached over altering her reality so much. Then I remembered the advice my mom had received from Sally so many years ago, "Her life is all she knows." Everything made sense at that moment. If her life was all she knew, that meant what she knew was that moms and dads have their own bedrooms and they don't talk much to one another and they certainly don't laugh or smile much. . . That definitely was not what I wanted my little girl to know about relationships!
I realized and owned up to the notion that I am/we are creating the childhood she will reflect on when she's an adult.
What she knows now is that mom and dad, though in different houses, communicate regularly and stand as a united front in her life. She knows that her mom and dad are lively, happy people who savor every moment they spend with her. She knows that she can depend on us to constructively solve any problems as they arise and she even knows that occasionally we all hang out together - nothing makes her more happy than hanging out with her two favorite people. Most of all she knows she's safe and loved.
I guess my point is this: if you find yourself in the thick of a divorce or separation or you are feeling bogged down because the life you have isn't that which you had idealized to raise your child in, GET OVER IT! Make each day fabulous for the sake of your kids and rid yourself of any resentment you have towards their other parent. It's crazy enough for kids to handle this change in their reality. You owe it to your kids to be a positive influence. They deserve to know that their parents can work together for the sake of the kids even though they don't live in the same home. Show respect for the other parent by never bad-mouthing him/her. Refrain from talking in a demeaning manner to them on the phone. . .kids pick up on that and whether you realize it our not, they react emotionally and physiologically to how you interact with the other parent. Just do your best to be a good, positive person. Your kids deserve it.
Remember Sally's advice, "her life is all she knows." Give your kids an emotionally secure, positive life. . .make the only life they know a life of joy and positivity and trust, regardless of your personal situation.
Stay tuned for "Transitioning from one home to two."
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