I must have done something right. This day welcomed me with a multitude of good experiences. Driving into town, the sky was illuminated deep pink as the sun gently nudged the darkness off of the horizon. Rolling down the country path, my four year old described the horses she saw eating their breakfast of hay. She looked at the rolling road ahead.
Turning toward me, she said, "You know, the earth is in space."
"That's true," I affirmed.
"And if we are driving on the earth, [pause] then in fact, we are driving in space."
"That's true," I affirmed. Thinking of the abstractness of her thoughts, I was amazed. "Good thinking, Ev!" I assured her.
After delivering her to daycare/preschool, I ventured toward Clearbrook-Gonvick High School, just outside of Clearbrook. I had the pleasure of judging the Poetry Out Loud contest which students in Vanessa Pulkabrek's class were required to enlist in. Today's contest was the city level, which is a stepping stone for 2 students who will advance on to the regional, state, and national competitions (hopefully).
The contest consisted of each student reciting a poem of their choice. The students gussied up to perform the chosen poems with dignity towards themselves, their audience, and the original authors of the works. How refreshing to hear high school students performing poetry. These kids had truly learned the meaning of the poems. They brought them to life. What a treat. Poetry is life, distilled. Teenagers drinking up such an elixir is magical.
So, I am thankful that the sun still dyes the sky at dawn, that young children allow their senses to be saturated and still think far beyond the concrete world they live in, and that teenagers can find the simple peace and universal understanding in poetry. Good day.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Car Thought
In the past six weeks, I've spent over $2,000 on my car. As a result of this experience, I find myself oscillating between two thoughts: attempting to continue to drive my Jeep Grand Cherokee - it is paid off and that feels good, or purchasing a good, pre-owned car with fewer miles - while I might have a car payment, my hope is that I wouldn't have a regular mechanic bill.
I decided to keep driving the Jeep while keeping my eyes open for my car of choice, a used Subaru Forester with less than 60,000 miles, a sunroof, and a price less than $9,500. After much research, I can happily report that such things do exist.
Much advice has been offered in regard to shopping for a used car. I invite any that comes my way. Allow me to list a number of the suggestions that have come my way.
~ Have a clear understanding of what you can afford. If you have a loan secured at the bank, don't tell a car dealer what you've been approved for. That is none of his/her business.
~ When you go for a ride in a pre-owned car, make sure the radio is off. Listen closely to the sounds in and around the car. You should not hear any odd noises. Roll down the window and listen as the car comes to a stop, as the car takes off, and as it cruises down the road.
~ While riding in the car, sniff the air. Consider the smells you take in. Did the previous owner smoke? Did the dealer/seller attempt to cover up the smell? Does the air smell damp or like the air around a swimming pool? If so, there could be a water leak somewhere in the engine.
~ This one might surprise you, it did me. Get out of the car after driving it, bend down, and take a whiff of the tailpipe. Is there an inkling (or more) of rotten egg smell? If so, you might have a lingering catalytic converter problem. A stinky and costly issue indeed.
~ Take the vehicle out on the highway. How does it sound? Is there road noise? Does the cruise control work?
~ Find a car of the model you are looking for that has at least 30,000-50,000 more miles on it than the target mileage you are looking for. Take the vehicle for a drive. Look around inside. Check out the upholstery, the dashboard, the seats, and the comfort level. Look at the paint on the outside of the vehicle. Pay close attention to how it drives and sounds it makes. Think about the fact that this is how your car will age. Ask yourself if this is the car you want to drive.
~ Open the hood and look at the engine. What do you see?
~ Sit in the backseat. How is it?
~ Pay attention to the seats themselves. Do they fit your body? Will you be comfortable driving for long distances? Consider how your back feels. These specifics might not seem important during the short time a car is test driven, however, they will be important when you take your first road trip.
~ ALWAYS CALL THE PREVIOUS OWNER!! Dealers tend to act like this is a bit of a big deal. The protocol is that the dealer calls the previous owner in order to get permission to share the telephone number with you. Be patient and wait for that phone number. Call the previous owner and ask about the car. How did it perform? What work had to be done to it? Had it been in an accident that resulted in any amount of damage, minimal or major? When were the tires replaced? How frequently was the oil changed? Did the owners get regular tune-ups? Take all of this into consideration before the purchase.
Here is a little advice from me. . .try to have some fun with the process! Purchasing a car can be exhausting. Have a good time!
I decided to keep driving the Jeep while keeping my eyes open for my car of choice, a used Subaru Forester with less than 60,000 miles, a sunroof, and a price less than $9,500. After much research, I can happily report that such things do exist.
Much advice has been offered in regard to shopping for a used car. I invite any that comes my way. Allow me to list a number of the suggestions that have come my way.
~ Have a clear understanding of what you can afford. If you have a loan secured at the bank, don't tell a car dealer what you've been approved for. That is none of his/her business.
~ When you go for a ride in a pre-owned car, make sure the radio is off. Listen closely to the sounds in and around the car. You should not hear any odd noises. Roll down the window and listen as the car comes to a stop, as the car takes off, and as it cruises down the road.
~ While riding in the car, sniff the air. Consider the smells you take in. Did the previous owner smoke? Did the dealer/seller attempt to cover up the smell? Does the air smell damp or like the air around a swimming pool? If so, there could be a water leak somewhere in the engine.
~ This one might surprise you, it did me. Get out of the car after driving it, bend down, and take a whiff of the tailpipe. Is there an inkling (or more) of rotten egg smell? If so, you might have a lingering catalytic converter problem. A stinky and costly issue indeed.
~ Take the vehicle out on the highway. How does it sound? Is there road noise? Does the cruise control work?
~ Find a car of the model you are looking for that has at least 30,000-50,000 more miles on it than the target mileage you are looking for. Take the vehicle for a drive. Look around inside. Check out the upholstery, the dashboard, the seats, and the comfort level. Look at the paint on the outside of the vehicle. Pay close attention to how it drives and sounds it makes. Think about the fact that this is how your car will age. Ask yourself if this is the car you want to drive.
~ Open the hood and look at the engine. What do you see?
~ Sit in the backseat. How is it?
~ Pay attention to the seats themselves. Do they fit your body? Will you be comfortable driving for long distances? Consider how your back feels. These specifics might not seem important during the short time a car is test driven, however, they will be important when you take your first road trip.
~ ALWAYS CALL THE PREVIOUS OWNER!! Dealers tend to act like this is a bit of a big deal. The protocol is that the dealer calls the previous owner in order to get permission to share the telephone number with you. Be patient and wait for that phone number. Call the previous owner and ask about the car. How did it perform? What work had to be done to it? Had it been in an accident that resulted in any amount of damage, minimal or major? When were the tires replaced? How frequently was the oil changed? Did the owners get regular tune-ups? Take all of this into consideration before the purchase.
Here is a little advice from me. . .try to have some fun with the process! Purchasing a car can be exhausting. Have a good time!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Christmas Morning as a Co-Parent
What worked for me might not work for you, but it sure was nice.
Last year my little one was at her dad's. It really stunk to wake up and wonder what her expression was like as she peered out of the bedroom window in search for clues of Santa's presence as well as presents.
This year was my year to have her over Christmas. I felt incredibly thankful for this, but I also couldn't help but feel a little bummed for her dad. We decided to do something a little different than many separated parents and it worked out beautifully...
Ev slept at my house, as was the original plan. Instead of Santa making two trips (one to each parent's house), he only came to my house. I woke up at 5:15 to start making the traditional caramel rolls. Her dad rolled out of his bed and drove over at 6:00. The plan was that we would all be together for the Santa gifts. It worked out great for us. The most troubling aspect of the entire plan was that we literally had to wake Evelyn up at 8:45. I couldn't believe she slept so late!
I'm not sure what will happen in the future, but this worked beautifully for us this year and it was fun to have the family together for Christmas morning.
Last year my little one was at her dad's. It really stunk to wake up and wonder what her expression was like as she peered out of the bedroom window in search for clues of Santa's presence as well as presents.
This year was my year to have her over Christmas. I felt incredibly thankful for this, but I also couldn't help but feel a little bummed for her dad. We decided to do something a little different than many separated parents and it worked out beautifully...
Ev slept at my house, as was the original plan. Instead of Santa making two trips (one to each parent's house), he only came to my house. I woke up at 5:15 to start making the traditional caramel rolls. Her dad rolled out of his bed and drove over at 6:00. The plan was that we would all be together for the Santa gifts. It worked out great for us. The most troubling aspect of the entire plan was that we literally had to wake Evelyn up at 8:45. I couldn't believe she slept so late!
I'm not sure what will happen in the future, but this worked beautifully for us this year and it was fun to have the family together for Christmas morning.
Monday, December 8, 2008
A Stress Free Holiday Tree Decorating
It all began with decorating the tree. By the time I had placed all of the lights on the tree, my adorable child had somehow freed each and every tree ornament from what I thought was secure packaging when I boxed everything up last year. A giant pile of miniature angels, breakable balls, homemade reindeer, and tiny little elves rested in the center of my living room. When I turned around and realized the status of my "priceless" ornaments, internally I panicked.
Instead of saying, "oh my God! Be careful with those!" I found a little stool and placed it next to the tree. I simply told little miss muffet to carefully hang the ornaments on the tree. She hung every ornament. The few branches she couldn't reach, I took direction from her and hung them where she ordered. It was the most relaxing tree decorating session I have ever experienced. I sat back and watched while she experienced great satisfaction and was able to tell everyone who commented on our beautiful tree that she had decorated it. - You know I never had thought of hanging 4 ornaments on one branch, but it's a good look for a tree. I should have been doing that for years!
Instead of saying, "oh my God! Be careful with those!" I found a little stool and placed it next to the tree. I simply told little miss muffet to carefully hang the ornaments on the tree. She hung every ornament. The few branches she couldn't reach, I took direction from her and hung them where she ordered. It was the most relaxing tree decorating session I have ever experienced. I sat back and watched while she experienced great satisfaction and was able to tell everyone who commented on our beautiful tree that she had decorated it. - You know I never had thought of hanging 4 ornaments on one branch, but it's a good look for a tree. I should have been doing that for years!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Agree to disagree and get along -
No matter what has happened between you and the ex, please agree on the fact that you have children to raise and you must set aside your differences, emotional bruises, and frustrations in order to successfully parent your child. This may be difficult in the beginning of the split, but keep trying to create positive communications lines between you and the ex. It might even be necessary to visit a parenting coach or a therapist together in order for you to get to a point that will condone positive communication. Whatever it takes, try it. It's incredibly immature to refrain from holding civil, constructive conversations about parenting the child/children you once parented together. Remember: Your child is watching and learning from your actions and interactions every day. Think about the messages you are sending and whether or not you are providing your little people with tools that will assist them in building a positive, emotionally secure life or tools that will assist them in building a life that falls apart in inclement weather.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
transitioning from one house to two
As you transition into your new life as a co-parent, remember that this is a major life alteration for your little one(s). Unless you are making a break from an abusive, domineering, nightmare of a spouse who treated both you and your child/children with contempt, creating massive mental turmoil, please refrain from celebrating your move in front of the children. If you are deeply upset by the separation, please refrain from crying in your wet blanket in front of your kids as well. They are dealing with enough of their own emotions. It would be unfair to them for you to either celebrate their uprooted life or appear so weak that they feel you are unavailable for supporting them.
Kids shouldn't feel like they are merely visiting at either home whether it's mom's or dad's, mom's or mom's, or dad's or dad's - what ever your situation is. Kids should have a good amount of clothes and toys and personal belongs and space at either place. My daughter always talks as if she's fortunate to have 2 houses. She has no idea what it would mean to pack a bag to go over to her dad's or over to my house. She walks into either place and is completely at home, has everything she needs at each location.
There will be times when it seems like all the "good" clothes end up at one parent's house, but just deal with it rationally and talk about it with your ex. -you can come to some agreement about this over the phone - no need to involve you kid in smuggling clothes around or lose your head about it in front of the children. That will just make them feel sad and guilty.
When moving out of one and into two homes, for the sake of your child, don't fill the entire space with boxes that need to be unpacked. store them somewhere (the garage, closets, basement, etc.) and take one box at a time, unpack it, and go get another. Kids don't need continual visual reminders that their world is in upheaval. They are well aware of that.
One thing we did was buy bunk beds and split them up so our daughter sleeps in essentially the same bed at both places. If anyone reading this has any other ideas about transitioning from one house to two, please add a comment below!
Kids shouldn't feel like they are merely visiting at either home whether it's mom's or dad's, mom's or mom's, or dad's or dad's - what ever your situation is. Kids should have a good amount of clothes and toys and personal belongs and space at either place. My daughter always talks as if she's fortunate to have 2 houses. She has no idea what it would mean to pack a bag to go over to her dad's or over to my house. She walks into either place and is completely at home, has everything she needs at each location.
There will be times when it seems like all the "good" clothes end up at one parent's house, but just deal with it rationally and talk about it with your ex. -you can come to some agreement about this over the phone - no need to involve you kid in smuggling clothes around or lose your head about it in front of the children. That will just make them feel sad and guilty.
When moving out of one and into two homes, for the sake of your child, don't fill the entire space with boxes that need to be unpacked. store them somewhere (the garage, closets, basement, etc.) and take one box at a time, unpack it, and go get another. Kids don't need continual visual reminders that their world is in upheaval. They are well aware of that.
One thing we did was buy bunk beds and split them up so our daughter sleeps in essentially the same bed at both places. If anyone reading this has any other ideas about transitioning from one house to two, please add a comment below!
Monday, February 4, 2008
wisdom that allowed me the freedom to co-parent
My mom received some incredibly sage advice from her best friend when I was a very little girl. It drastically changed her approach to handling a complicated parenting issue and in turn, it changed my entire life experience. While the context of the words is very different than my co-parenting experience, the wisdom of those words rings as true and beautiful and awakening for me as it did for my mom. Allow me to explain. . .
When I was a kid, I was not dealt a good hand in the game of health. As my parents began their search for a cure for my issues, my mom and dad (two of the most amazing individuals on the planet) fretted much about how their little girl would survive the social side effects of living with difficult problems. They worried about me, a young child, having to explain personal issues to people such as teachers, parents of friends, etc. They were nervous that I might be picked on or made fun of. They struggled with the fact that my life experience would be so different from theirs. All of this stress came to a halt when my mom had one of many conversations with her dear friend, Sally (another fabulous woman in my world - I'm so lucky like that!) . Sally simply stated to my mom that, "Katie doesn't know she's any different than anyone else. Her life is all she knows." It was lovely advice.
Most of the worry my folks harbored had to do with comparing life as they knew it to the life I was/would be living. When they realized that I just didn't know anything other than the life I was living, life became much smoother for everyone.
How does this relate to the single/co-parenting experience?
When my daughter's dad and I split up, we both really struggled with the fact that she would be growing up with an experience far different from our own. Both of our parents had been married forever and we both lived the lives comparable to The Cosby Show or Family Ties (am I aging myself with these examples?). Neither of us knew what it was like to have two houses. We were really broken up about breaking up our little girl's life. We knew that living together we were not providing our daughter with a good example of a healthy relationship, yet we ached over altering her reality so much. Then I remembered the advice my mom had received from Sally so many years ago, "Her life is all she knows." Everything made sense at that moment. If her life was all she knew, that meant what she knew was that moms and dads have their own bedrooms and they don't talk much to one another and they certainly don't laugh or smile much. . . That definitely was not what I wanted my little girl to know about relationships!
I realized and owned up to the notion that I am/we are creating the childhood she will reflect on when she's an adult.
What she knows now is that mom and dad, though in different houses, communicate regularly and stand as a united front in her life. She knows that her mom and dad are lively, happy people who savor every moment they spend with her. She knows that she can depend on us to constructively solve any problems as they arise and she even knows that occasionally we all hang out together - nothing makes her more happy than hanging out with her two favorite people. Most of all she knows she's safe and loved.
I guess my point is this: if you find yourself in the thick of a divorce or separation or you are feeling bogged down because the life you have isn't that which you had idealized to raise your child in, GET OVER IT! Make each day fabulous for the sake of your kids and rid yourself of any resentment you have towards their other parent. It's crazy enough for kids to handle this change in their reality. You owe it to your kids to be a positive influence. They deserve to know that their parents can work together for the sake of the kids even though they don't live in the same home. Show respect for the other parent by never bad-mouthing him/her. Refrain from talking in a demeaning manner to them on the phone. . .kids pick up on that and whether you realize it our not, they react emotionally and physiologically to how you interact with the other parent. Just do your best to be a good, positive person. Your kids deserve it.
Remember Sally's advice, "her life is all she knows." Give your kids an emotionally secure, positive life. . .make the only life they know a life of joy and positivity and trust, regardless of your personal situation.
Stay tuned for "Transitioning from one home to two."
When I was a kid, I was not dealt a good hand in the game of health. As my parents began their search for a cure for my issues, my mom and dad (two of the most amazing individuals on the planet) fretted much about how their little girl would survive the social side effects of living with difficult problems. They worried about me, a young child, having to explain personal issues to people such as teachers, parents of friends, etc. They were nervous that I might be picked on or made fun of. They struggled with the fact that my life experience would be so different from theirs. All of this stress came to a halt when my mom had one of many conversations with her dear friend, Sally (another fabulous woman in my world - I'm so lucky like that!) . Sally simply stated to my mom that, "Katie doesn't know she's any different than anyone else. Her life is all she knows." It was lovely advice.
Most of the worry my folks harbored had to do with comparing life as they knew it to the life I was/would be living. When they realized that I just didn't know anything other than the life I was living, life became much smoother for everyone.
How does this relate to the single/co-parenting experience?
When my daughter's dad and I split up, we both really struggled with the fact that she would be growing up with an experience far different from our own. Both of our parents had been married forever and we both lived the lives comparable to The Cosby Show or Family Ties (am I aging myself with these examples?). Neither of us knew what it was like to have two houses. We were really broken up about breaking up our little girl's life. We knew that living together we were not providing our daughter with a good example of a healthy relationship, yet we ached over altering her reality so much. Then I remembered the advice my mom had received from Sally so many years ago, "Her life is all she knows." Everything made sense at that moment. If her life was all she knew, that meant what she knew was that moms and dads have their own bedrooms and they don't talk much to one another and they certainly don't laugh or smile much. . . That definitely was not what I wanted my little girl to know about relationships!
I realized and owned up to the notion that I am/we are creating the childhood she will reflect on when she's an adult.
What she knows now is that mom and dad, though in different houses, communicate regularly and stand as a united front in her life. She knows that her mom and dad are lively, happy people who savor every moment they spend with her. She knows that she can depend on us to constructively solve any problems as they arise and she even knows that occasionally we all hang out together - nothing makes her more happy than hanging out with her two favorite people. Most of all she knows she's safe and loved.
I guess my point is this: if you find yourself in the thick of a divorce or separation or you are feeling bogged down because the life you have isn't that which you had idealized to raise your child in, GET OVER IT! Make each day fabulous for the sake of your kids and rid yourself of any resentment you have towards their other parent. It's crazy enough for kids to handle this change in their reality. You owe it to your kids to be a positive influence. They deserve to know that their parents can work together for the sake of the kids even though they don't live in the same home. Show respect for the other parent by never bad-mouthing him/her. Refrain from talking in a demeaning manner to them on the phone. . .kids pick up on that and whether you realize it our not, they react emotionally and physiologically to how you interact with the other parent. Just do your best to be a good, positive person. Your kids deserve it.
Remember Sally's advice, "her life is all she knows." Give your kids an emotionally secure, positive life. . .make the only life they know a life of joy and positivity and trust, regardless of your personal situation.
Stay tuned for "Transitioning from one home to two."
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